Sitting here, with an aching heart. Palms sweating, tears repressing, thoughts lingering. It’s holiday season, it’s the best time of the year, nevertheless, every bone in my body cannot carry the hurt you caused. After 22 years, abandonment still feels heavy in the heart, still feels like yesterday, still feels like you leaving without ever looking back.
In this blessed life God has granted me, I still have a lot to be thankful for. I know if you would be here, things would be quite different. Life as I know it today wouldn’t be mine; people that have imprinted themselves on my heart couldn’t have done so, beautiful places which bring along so many memories, might just be another dot on the map and my high school crush I now call the love of my life, may not even be in my class to begin with. But still, a really minuscule still, I wonder how life would be with an earthly father.
Would I come home to laughter? To the sweet sound of happiness most of my friends seemed to come home to? Would you lift me up every time I got straight A’s, or just buy me ice cream every time time I got bruised? Would your love feel like rose petals and would calling you dad give me a sense of belonging? Would you give my handsomely boyfriend this threatening eye you dads make, when he took me on our first date? Sigh, I often wonder how my life would be with you in it.. And I often wonder who will give me away when I will get married one day.
I can get so incredibly enraged at times like these, because of you making me feel this way. For making my palms sweat, making my heart feel dark, making me feel worthless and unlovable. Giving me this agonizing contemplation, asking myself how you could ever act like I, flesh of your flesh, did not even exist. I even have the privilege to love and be loved by someone to such an extent that he literally holds my heart. And still because of you, I am so afraid that it is just a mere glimpse of happiness and that this love can fade away at some point in my life. That is why I clutch myself to him as often as I do, just for him to know that I am a real person with emotions. That is why I make him pinky promise not to leave me, just for him to know that I am in it for the long run. I do not always feel strong. I do not always wake up with a smile. I try to do the best I can and sometimes that is not even enough. I am not superwoman, but rather her vulnerably imperfect other half.
However, even if I am dealing with rejection, pain and sadness every day. I still have a Father Who willingly chose to love me unconditionally. I have learned about the depths of love, which this world cannot even comprehend. So every time, these previous thoughts come to mind and my palms feel like sweating and the tears need repressing.. I think of You Jesus, I think of Your acceptance, of Your face which is the true reflection of peace and divine love. I think of how You blessed me with this amazing young God fearing man and friends. Of how deep Your love is for me. And that fills my soul with so much warmth, that void has no place to reside in it. During this Christmas season, I would like to fill you with a spark of hope. Whatever your pain is and I may not even get close to knowing, Jesus knows and He loves you! He can take all of your pain away, so let’s praise Him for Jesus is the reason for this season! ❤
mellifluousmusing 